People commit suicide all the time and in most cases they do not leave suicide note, which leaves family and friends devastated. Sadly but true, because the person would be dead nobody can ask them any questions.They leave family and friends with guilt and condemnation.I have done some research, asked a few people mostly young people about the subject. I basically asked them whether they ever thought of killing themselves or not. Most of them answered no, but others said yes.Todd B. Kashdan PHD physiology today, says suicidal people acquire this capability from for example, playing violent extreme sport, body piercing, shooting guns, fights etc. I agree with him to a certain extent though. Because I worked for police force and I have witnessed police killing themselves through suicide, where they would shoot themselves. Mentalhealth daily.com lists 15 causes of suicide but for now I want to share my personal story. I will refer to the research on my next blog.
I grew up as a quiet child, I was never angry, hated fights and all I wanted was peace. No matter how much I was offended I would never burst into anger. I was very forgiving and understanding. But I always had sadness deep inside me, I felt like nobody loved me. I would have imaginations of rejection where I would see myself homeless, or having an accident and die. One of the things that would trigger this feeling was how my dad treated me differetly from other kids. I did not know the reason then. I have shared this as introduction on my book, ‘OPEN THE WORD FAITH’.
I never shared these feeling with anyone. I got saved , I started preaching and mainly my message was exhortation , encouraging people to press on in life. As much as I was spirit filled when I was deeply hurt, I used to wish to die, even when I already had a child I never thought of, who would take of my child if I die. I would want to kill myself but then , think about hell. This one time they had a discussion about this topic on a Christian radio programme whether, if one has commited suicide will go to heaven or not. The conclusion was more like , yes he/she will go to heaven. There, they eased my conscious.
Then I happened to be in an abusive relationship. This oneday I took tables and swallowed them, luckily I was seen and got rescued. They gave me milked to drink though I was not hospitalised I passed out the whole day. After that incident I tried killing myself about three times using bleach, but I never died.
I will elaborate more on the next blog. For now the point I want to make is: it takes time before anyone kill themselves. One meditates on this for a long time before doing it. These thought surmount until they reach a place where someone just do it, thats why usually there is no suicidal note. It is a scary thing to do. Sometimes you hope to be rescued. Parents please findout if your children ever have these thoughts. To someone who is suicidal, please take courage and share this with someone you trust, expose this spirit before it takes hold of you. Come on God created for a reason, if it wasnt so you would not be born. Life is worth a living. You might be experiencing problems, but problems are part of life journey. Please dont kill yourself. If you think noone loves you, at least
remember, God loves you. You are beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made, created in His image. Please check the next blog in two weeks time.
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